Nobody hates Christmas more than I do.You spend a fortune on presents for people and what do you get in return?Some novelty socks and a Lynx Africa box set.Not really fair is it?
And how about having to sit through endless repeats of TV shows and films year after year.Santa Claus The movie anyone?You have to be nice to people, family who you don't like just because "it's Christmas".And don't even get me started on Cliff bastard Richard!
No Christmas isn't for me.I'm the original Scrooge.Because of all of this I wasn't looking forward to the Liverpool Christmas party.A time where my players and staff and famous Liverpudlians come together.Get in the Christmas spirit I was told.My arse!
The day of the party got off to the worst possible start.South American duo Maxi Pereira and Salomon Rondon were caught with millions of pounds worth of white powder on them.I tried telling the police that as it was Christmas it was probably snow but they didn't believe me.
The problems continues as Wojciech Szczesny and Hector Herrera were both hospitalised when a "Vodka v Tequila" contest went wrong.The winner-well neither of their livers obviously!The party was finally in full swing and the drinks were going down faster than David Inglis' Everton team.Captain Javi Martinez was owning the dancefloor.That was until he was kidnapped through a side door and thrown into the back of a van with "Scallotti removals" on the side.As it sped off 2 people who were recognised as Guido Carillo and Frank Acheampong were kicked out of the back door with "Send to Liverpool" signs on them.
This was turning into a bad night.There were a few familiar faces inside the party who seemed to be gate crashers.Leicester City manager Nathan Prince and the most wanted man in Top 100 Clement Lenglet were sat at a table with Sir Stephen Beddows and Mario Balotelli.I didn't catch all of their conversation but I did hear Beddows say he was trying to tempt Nathan with "bunga bunga".Hmm.Must be some new Brazilian wonderkid I thought.
Jordan Henderson was getting some stick from the rest of the lads about never having a girlfriend and needing to prove himself as a real man.Fair play to him then when he was seen smooching with someone who looked just like Cinderella on the dancefloor.Turns out it was Cinderella.Even though it was Les Dennis in full costume after just arriving from the local Christmas panto at least he still pulled!
A fracas then started between a couple of blokes and a group of youngsters.Apparently local lads Ron Dixon and Jimmy Corkhill were fighting over a woman called "Our Jackie" when some cups of fizzy vimto went flying and all hell broke loose.The drinks belonged to a group of teenagers wearing baseball caps and "Baggies for life" hoodies.The fight was eventually broken up by bouncers Joey Barton and Jimmy Tarbuck and this was our cue to leave.
As we headed back home I got a text from Ciro Immobile saying he wouldn't be available for the next few games because of a groin strain.Seconds later João Moutinho texts me saying the exact same thing.I don't think it was a coincidence they were both seen sloping off with Coleen Rooney and Abby Clancy midway through the night.Oh well groin strains aren't too bad.Its not like they need double hip replacements like I did after that weekend with Sonia back in the late 80's.....
Excellent piece, especially 'our Jackie!'
ReplyDelete