Staff Writer Cesare Tagliatelle Reports
Saturday 3rd June 2017
Last season, with arguably the strongest team in the division (after some transfer activity), Inter finished a creditable 4th under new manager McLean. Despite exiting the play-offs Inter had been set some very difficult targets, which the team accomplished with some aplomb. McLean should have been very happy, but there were reports from inside the club that, despite offering a public face of a 'job well done', that all was not well with the former Olympiacos boss.
I went to investigate further and was granted an interview. A somewhat disturbing interview that has possibly reinforced what others have been too frightened to say openly - that Inter's rise is down to McLean being a 'devilish and terrible cunt'.
First some background.
Inter started the season minus their best player, 94 rated CB Giorgio Chiellini. McLean stated at the time that more squad depth was required. In came young talent Caleta-Car and top class defender Stefan De Vrij. Quality signings both. Their 1st match ended a 2-2 draw at home to Spartak. This was followed by another dull draw against Fiorentina and then a 1-4 mauling by Southampton. Then it all changed. The results started to improve massively and the club went on a 10 match unbeaten run in all comps. During this run 92 rated Fernandinho was similarly sold, with 87 rated Koziello and 90 rated Sissoko joining.
I spoke to long-serving kit man Hablo No Inglese on condition of anonymity. 'Et furst ze gaffer waz being very calm after ze poor start. But e woz inzenzed by ze beating from Scallotti. I 'ad to go to iz office vor zomezing an' all I 'eara iz zome kind of chanting. Zer woz smoke acoming thru ze bottom of ze door. I woz being very afraid sir'!
This was quite a statement. I enquired further. This from Head Of Security Billy London - ' I 'ave ta ferry the gaffer abaat the place of course. Afta' tha' Saint's match 'e was fackin' livid mate! 'E was proper on one innit. Anywaay 'e aksed me ter stop at a farm not far from 'is 'ouse. 'E was gone abaat 20 minutes all in, an' wen 'e came back 'e 'ad shit on 'is mug. I woz then surprised ta see a pig, a fackin' pig mind you, big as an 'ouse flyin' over'ead. I fackin' shit mesel' mate no word ov a lie'!
Smoke coming through doors! Strange chanting! Flying pigs! What devilry was this?
I noted that McLean was a highlander, and that there were rumours of modern day paganism, witchcraft and Celtic rituals abounding across the valleys and Glens. Could this be the source of the strange happenings at Inter? I put it to McLean himself.
Tagliatelle: Thank you for the interview Alex, and congratulations on a good campaign so far.
McLean : That's very kind of you Cesare. Yes, it's a long way to go yet, but thank you, we're quite happy with how things are progressing.
Tagliatelle: You've sold Chiellini, Fernandinho, Sneijder, Evra, Tevez and Diarra. That is 6 quality players that would strengthen any team. Is this madness or devilry?
McLean : I'm not sure what you mean
Tagliatelle: Well the players you've brought in as replacements aren't quite of the level of the players you've sold. Yet you sit 5 points clear. Is there more going on than what you're telling us?
Mclean : Look, I've made a conscious decision to freshen the squad, add depth and lower the age and I've come out the other end with a nice lead and some first class performances. It's all down to good management. That is it.
Tagliatelle: I have here (brings out a dusty, hard-backed tome) a copy of the 'Dummy's Guide to Paganism and Celtic Ritual'. You will note on p.68, under the heading 'Success Spells And Magick', it says that 'If a Druid can inflate a pig through lifting it's tail and blowing through its anus, success will follow that Druid for at least 180 days'. Isn't it the case that YOU have blown into a pigs arse? Isn't it the case that all your recent success at Inter is based on sorcery and devilry!
McLean : Fuck off you twat. Where are you gettin' this shite? Fuckssake ah've heard it 'aw now.
Tagliatelle ; Your Security man saw you with faeces on your face. Fact!
McLean : I asked him tae stop so's ah could go fir a pish for fucks sake. I stumbled in the dark and fell face first intae some cow shite. That is it. Now pack yer bags an get tae fuck ye wee shite.
Tagliatelle : What about the smoke from the door and the chanting from your office after the Saints match?
McLean : Christ! Some people are so fuckin' gullible. I wiz annoyed an put on some Enya tae relax. The smoke wiz fae a puckin' josstick. Honest tae Christ! Can ah no jist get some bloody credibility fer daein' a decent job?
With that McLean ended the interview. And told me never to come back. Ever. Again. The cunt.
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