Yes it's...Big Barbs Diary #1

Welcome to.....Big Barbs Diary

Hi everybody. I'm Victor Big Barbs Ibarbo & I play centre forward for a cute little Brazilian club known as Sao Paula, no, Sao Paulo that's the one. 

And yes, it is your lucky day cos.... this is my Diary! Yay!!

Well, I've got a right cob on and it's not my fault, it's these ruddy 'ormones, can't get 'em right. I went to the club doctor & you know what he said? He said 'piss off Barbs, I've got nothing that will help you, you fat twat'. Can you believe that?

Well, that's just the tip of the iceberg that is, things at this club have been going proper down hill in my opinion.

Apparently the gaffer has been sniffing round some striker called 'Sanmartin', Sanmartin for fucks sake, what sort of name is that? Well St. Etienne were offering the jug eared pisspot for my mate Miguel (Britos) plus some cash. Well me & Migs weren't 'avin that. We nipped into the gaffers office, hacked his email, not hard, his passport is Spoons – what a nonce – then fired off a mail to Etienne saying the deal is off. Gaffer has no idea, well he never does, too busy trying to fuck things up round 'ere, can't leave well alone.

I mean, I scored last game but that cnut of a ref gave it offside, offside for fucks sake, probably only half my left tit was in front of the last man & that's the hormones fault that is, can't blame me.

Gaffer keeps banging on how I was top scorer last seasons but this season nothing. That's gratitude for you that is, he knows it's a balancing act with these hormones, one tweak & I'm all over the place like a leper in a gale

Anyway, I went to B&M Bargains today to stock up on my pills and those multi packs of Roysters & who did I see in there but Beddows & Frank going down the women's products aisle with their bag on wheels. Now I'm not one to nose but it wasn't until I was right behind them that I heard em slagging off T100 managers left right & centre. I couldn't believe my ears so I gathered up my medication, pulled my Burkha down low & followed behind.

It didn't take long before I heard them saying that Alex (McLean) can't take his drink & is regularly seen sleeping rough round Milan in piss soaked tramps trousers & that Gino did time for spiking his youth team's sherbet dib-dabs with ketamine cos he hates the kids, and maybe the worst, that cos PMW wanks so much, his eyesight is now so bad he once went on a date with Del Piero thinking he was Del Ray. I could go on but I'm no gossip & after watching them empty the shelf of sanitary products & mace I headed out and down the boozer for a much needed fag & Guinness.

Well that's me done for today, remember if you can't eat it, it's probably not food.

                                                me after that bastard offside decision

Tarra babs....

Big Barbs

P.S. Even I can't believe what they said about Roy Keane.