The Sweary Caves of Dovedale - Our upcoming UK break

Well, after all the hurdy-gurdy of the play offs, the season and the managerial merry go round a gaffer needs to unwind so that's why myself, Nick Wheels, Mr Stephen Beddows and of course, Big Barbs, herself escaping the revolving door at Marseille, decided on a cultural trip to the U.K.

Knowing all the Scottish managers would still be back home until well after Hogmanay I phoned up Gordon 'Gino' Kinnear in the hope of meeting up with them all in Edinburgh.

'Oh hi Gordon, tis Nick Wheels here.'  'Myself, Beddows and Big Barbs wanted to come and see you all after the season end, have a catch up & a few beers, what d'ya say?'

'Beers? Well I spose you can have a tin of McEwans, the one that's already open mind. Ach noh, you'll be no good coming here, the powers off, we're snowed in, the cold will devolve you continental types of yer knackers if ya come up here'. 

'Anyway, we're off on a charabanc tour of the distilleries, by night, in the full moon, with 'Crowbar' McGinty driving us and he hates strangers'.

'Nah, what yous want is a gentle tour of Southern England, dead friendly they are down their, I'll send you an itinerary. cheap at the price too.'

'Oh, ok thanks Gordon,' I started to say then heard a voice say 'who the fuck's that?'  'Ahh, no bastard fucker, never you mind' then the phone went dead.

However good to his word the itinerary came through today and I must say, it looks peachy.

We start the trip off at a place called 'January Land' It looks a a divine little place that should really give us a flavour of South England and get the tour off to a cracking start.

Next up are two places very near to each other, 

Wasp World and Hornet World.

They each have their own little cafes and medical facilities 'Don't they just sound so wonderful?

The next day we head to Queue Gardens, one of England's most revered botanical gems. As a keen gardener I can't wait.

Then if we still have time before our freight cruise ship leaves Felixstowe docks we'll be calling in at this cute little English hostelry, Gordon said it was a favourite of his whenever he heads down South so be sure to visit and mention his name. I imagine it to be all olde worlde and Victorian inside with flagons of olde ale and a warm fire in the hearth.

After I paid Alex McLean Travel the £15000 fee I showed the itinerary to Beddows and Big Barbs. Beddows looked a little taken aback, 'are you sure this is on the level?' 'And Balotelli really stayed at that pub?'

 'That's what Gordon said' I replied. Look, they've  even sent us a magazine each, one for you about bees Mr B, ha ha, and a more light-hearted one for you Big Barbs.

Barbs just grunted and said if she didn't get to go to the Swearing Caves of Dovedale there'd be trouble. Oh that Barbs and her Sweary Caves!

There it is then, I can't wait to get started and just relax, take in the English culture, meet the friendly locals and enjoy the company.