On the 2nd day of Xmas there was:

           Big Barbs Xmas Funsack          

Yes dear reader, it's me, Victor 'Big Barbs' Ibarbo with your seasonal dose of festive cheer.

Seasonal dose is quite apt as I've just had my results back from the STD clinic – clear, thank fook but no thanks to that Walter Gogh, the lengths some gaffers will go to sign players amazes me, frequently.

Yes, readers, what's that you say? Yes it's true I'm now at Marseille enjoying all the delights of the French Riviera, baguettes, cheap vino, stripey jumpers and mixed results.

It's all a far cry from life at the Spoons but a girl can get used to anything if she tries.

some baguettes in Marseilles

We had our club Xmas dinner last night, I swear I must have put a fooking stone on, could hardly get out my corset afterwards. Goghy likes his fookin sprouts tho, I've never seen such a mountain, all the team were at them, Zapata, Batos, Mehmedi, only little Julian Green managed to keep them at arms  length. Goghy was doing his juggling act yet again, this time with escargots and whilst singing La Marseillaise.

typical sprouts

I took this opportunity to escape the madness & go & have a french fag on the boat deck overlooking the harbour.

I was gutted when sold by Sao Paulo but part of me knew it was coming. Manager Wheels had been acting odd around me for a while, but I couldn't figure out why. Ok I did fook all in training and on the pitch, did the bare minimum of off field activities with the club and generally turned up pissed or high most of the time, but that was normal behaviour for me, no, there must be something else.

Beddows' boat 'La Milanese'

Well one warm summer night I happened to be a guest on board of Beddows' yacht off the Milanese coast, well I say yacht, more of a glorified narrow boat but I digress. I'd just finished my turn on stage (Beddows knows a class drag act when he sees one) and was in the gents lavvies changing my stockings. I overheard some talking and when I realised it was non other than Dinamo's Jess Jobe, Gino of Torino, plus Nuno from the Baggies. Both the Davids, Marsden & Senior were there too but from what I could make out were both very drunk and attempting to wash their respective arses in the same sink.

some toilets

Jobe was recounting his favourite Stoop party anecdote, the one where he fined FC Plonotsky 5k for having 300 ineligible players in their squad when Gino interrupted and asked Nuno 'who was that girl I saw you with at Beddows' last yacht party? Nuno spluttered & nearly choked on his vimto. 'How did you know about that Gino?' 'Infra-red goggles mate' Gino replied chirpily, 'take them everywhere, well, them and me drone'.

 'It was the weirdest night Gino' replied Nuno, 'I didn't remember pulling her and I've no memory of anything after getting back to my apartment. In the morning she was gone as was my wallet, car keys, star wars figurine collection and my years supply of finest Colombian.

All I do remember is she had an encyclopedic knowledge of Sao Paulo Football Club.'

another toilet

At that point I lost my footing and fell into the toilet door but luckily for me one of the Davids had fallen out of the sink and was now making a lot of noise running round looking for his lost 'arsebrush'. I'd realised that the stunning beauty they referred to was in fact myself, 'Big Barbs'. 

I had known Nuno had a plentiful supply of the white stuff and was determined to get my paws on it. I admit the sneaking admiration I had for his managerial team rebuilding made the task of enticing him all the more easy for me. All I needed to do was tell him I was related to Ike Ugbo & he was eating out of my hand. Eating Rohypnol that I told him were opal fruits out of my hand.

Opal Fruits - now Starburst

At that point amidst a huge crashing & banging Beddows came lunging into the lavatory. He was wearing a roman centurion costume, was very drunk and had somehow managed to wedge one foot in a metal mop bucket but well, that was Beddows. 'Hey you lot, anyone seen Big Barbs?; he said. 'She's the only one who can open this pickle jar & I really fancy a gherkin right now.' 'Whats a gherkin?' asked Jobe but no-one responded. 'Your my fugginn best mate Jobe, you know that, and you David, even with your wet arse yer bazztard' slurred Beddows before falling right through the very cubicle door in which I was hiding. 'Barbs yer bastard, Is that you?' asked a surprised Beddows. 'Barbs? That Esmeralda Blenkinsop, the girl who stole my powder and my wallet!' exclaimed Nuno.

a hand dryer today

The Davids carried on trying to dry their arses with the hand dryers whilst Gino & Jobe stood watching open mouthed.

'Esmerwhat? Asked Beddows, 'naah this is Big Barbs, you know the girl that drugged you at last years party.'

Then it clicked, I knew what had happened. You see Beddows is good mates with my old gaffer Nick Wheels. In one of his drunken binges he would have let it slip to Wheels that he'd seen me going back to Nunos' pad and well, it doesn't take a genius to work out the rest.

Boca Juniors

The week after the party Spoons had lost a vital local derby with Boca Juniors. Wheels absolutely hates losing local derbies even more than non-local games and in his post match paranoid angerfest he would have put 2 and 2 together and made 17. 

Barbs was with Nuno all night, Nuno is good mates with Sir Walter Smith the eccentric elderly Boca manager; basically he thought Big Barbs blabbed team tactics to Nuno.

There's no convincing Wheels when he gets on one of his paranoia trips and sure enough, pretty soon I was shipped out to Marseille. And although having to listen to Goghs' Jacques Brel cd before every game was wearing, it was better than having paint stripper sprayed in my eyes at half time out of a Jif lemon by Wheels.

a Jif lemon

I do miss the Spoon Army though, almost as much as I miss my old pair of hairy bagatelles but I suppose those days are never to return.

Ahh well, back to the party, shit, Goghs standing  on the table half naked doing his Brel impersonation again. Time to take one for the team......