A ONE LINER XMAS

Ahh! Christmas morning. The finest day of the year. Well, in normal circumstances. Not this morning though.

It got off to a very bad start for me. the previous night I had taken some sleeping pills. And some laxatives.

Not doing that again.

It was much easier when I was a child. If I couldn't get to sleep my mum smacked me. Just a few grams mind. She was good like that.

I got up and bathed. In a moment of nostalgia I picked up the bathroom toys my Mum gave to me as a nipper. A toaster and a radio.

I finished bathing and went to get dressed. I looked for my camouflage trousers to no avail. This was going well.

As I made some coffee, I turned the news on. There was a story about a lorry load of tortoises had crashed into a train load of terrapins. It was a 'turtle disaster', she said. In the next item police had arrested 2 kids. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I switched over to the documentary channel. A programme about how ships are held together. Riveting. 

I picked up the newspaper. Apparently 1 in 5 people now are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so it's one of them. It's either my Mum or dad. Or my Elder brother Angus, or my younger brother Yung Tin Ho. I think it's Angus.

'Bollocks to this', I said. 'I'm off down the local greasy for some x-mas brekkie!'

On the way there I passed a fat women with 'Guess' written on her shirt. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

My local greasy serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the renaissance.

Filled up I returned home. A postcard had arrived from my missus.

'Sex is better on holidays', it said.

A knock on the door. A man asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool. I was feeling generous, and it WAS Christmas, so I gave him some chlorine, a glass of water. and a pint of urine.

Finally, my brother Priapic and his family arrived for xmas dinner. He has 10 children. 'Why so many kids?', I asked him. 'Well Alex, I love my Wife.'  'I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!'

Merry Christmas all!