Following a week of sensational results, a 4 – 1 win against top of the league Santos, a 4 – 0 World Club Cup victory over Crystal Palace, and then last night’s 3 – 1 win over Torino, which saw the Spanish side move into the play off zone, manager Tom Parfitt, with the backing of the club’s board and president, has issued the following statement.
“Friends, Spaniards, Countryman, lend me your ears. Huddo, DP, Beddows, Hirst, Paulo Maldini, Silvio Berlusconi, Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Machiavelli, Donatello, Splinter, April O’Neill, Pavarotti, your boys took one hell of a beating.
This season we’ve played Torino twice, won one and drawn one. We’ve played Juventus twice, won one and drawn one.
We’ve had other incredible results. We’ve beaten other teams from higher divisions, Crystal Palace and Lyon for example. The youth’s are smashing everybody in their competition.
Obviously though, this all comes down to one thing. Me. I have made some absolute masterstrokes in the transfer market this season. Bringing in Nilmar and Fernandez from Olympiacos was nothing short of genius. They got the job done in Greece last season, and they are doing it again now. I also got shot of Gerrard. I mean that right there is the most incredible piece of transfer dealing in the history of the beautiful game. We get shot, and five minutes later the boy has retired.
It’s not just that though. I made a few tactical adjustments, had a word in a few ears, and got players fulfilling their potential a bit more. Leandro Damiao couldn’t hot a cows arse with a banjo last season, this season he could hit on Scarlett Johanson and get a result. He’s been more deadly than kung fu.
Big Seb Prodl at the back. He came in at the back end of last season, but he got injured early doors after his arrival and barely kicked a ball until pre season. He’s been an absolute Colossus at the back. Honestly, he’s been bigger for us than Ron Jeremy pork sword.
Ivan Ramis. The fans love him. He’s Spanish, he’s the captain, he’s an inspiration to all of them in the crowd. If Ramis can play for the greatest club on this giant football we call Earth, then they can do. He’s mega.
All of this building my players up, buying the right ones, making the most amazing deals going, that’s why I’m being headhunted by clubs like Juventus, AC Milan and Genoa. I won’t be going though, I wouldn’t manage in Italy if my life depended on it. Don’t get me wrong, all three of those clubs have asked me this season, and all three have said to me that their current managers can be made to disappear if I was up for it. Not for me that though, I want to be able to trust the people at the club.
I’ve had Bayern Munich in touch, Barcelona, both Madrid sides, Dortmund, both Manchester clubs, Tottenham, Arsenal, you name them, I’ve had them calling. They have all been told the same though. Yes, I’ll manage at your club, but only when I bring Levante to town. We’ll be in div 1 fairly sharpish now, and if I was at any one of the other 99 clubs in the league, I’d be shitting myself knowing that.
As a direct result of the achievements this season, I will now only accept being referred to as “the most special one of all, the best there ever was, the best there is, the best there ever will be”.
I’ll be the first to admit that it’s a bit long, and doesn’t really roll off the tongue, but I think you’ll find it is fitting, and also factual.
I’m going for dinner with the king tonight, Felipe VI, and the queen, Letizia Ortiz Rocasolano. I’ve got her on the case, she’s going to knock us up a traditional Spanish dish of meat pit, mash and baked beans. While I’m there, the king is going to let me have a go on her because of the glory I’ve brought to the Country.
Lana is cool with it too. She says I deserve it, and she’ll let me have a go on her as soon as I get in.
With these achievements in mind, I want to close this official club statement by officially declaring this weekend, all next week, and the following weekend a public holiday.
I also want to let our Belgian friends know that due to the disappointment heaped upon their proud country by PMW and Davy, there will be a public holiday in Belgium too, whereby the two managers will be stripped, manacled, chained together and dragged through the streets by Ruts and Hewitt, who will be dressed as Cleopatra and Mark Anthony”
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