My Incredible Life by Nick Wheels
Seeing that article by old 'pop around 'Parfitt the other day reminded me that I'd promised to jot down a few of my amazing experiences during my incredible life so far.
Well, where to start - well there's the film & tv career, thats as good a place as any.
Many of you T100 types won't be aware of my past life as an absolute megastar of the entertainment industry - but, I assure you I am.
Coaching Trip
It all started when I was called up for Coach Trip, yes yours truly on Britains greatest reality gameshow. It started off well, got on with most of the contestants, had a bit of banter with Brendan, sweet as. However during the pottery challenge I was on my way to making an exact replica of Dubai's Burg Khalifa when Brendan only came along & stuck his thumb in it! Well I went mental, put him in hospital & got myself a one way ticket back to blighty. Little did I know that this was the start of my incredible TV career.
Career Peak
I was on a visit to the fair city of Birmingham one weekend, the Mrs hit the Bullring & the Custard factory for the shopping while I had a few beers before popping down St Andrews to see my old mate Stevie Bruce. After promising him I'd read his book (like fuck would I!) I was walking back into town through the Digbeth railway arches when who did I come upon but Cillian Murphy bumming a fag off some Big Issue sellers. Cillian geez, 'ave one of my bensons mate, you're looking a bit peaky.'
And whadya know, he said he'd just had a great idea for a Brummie gangster show & he simply HAD to have me in it after that Coach Trip appearance. As for that Steve Bruce, If I ever see that pot headed bastard again I'll skin him, managing Villa indeed, what a fuckwit.
One Game of Thrones At A Time
The title gives this one away really but do you know, I was only supposed to have a small part in this TV epic and I ended up playing 3 roles!
I was playing the young dragon along side Delores Targarden, at first she hardly said a word to me but as time went on she warmed to me until eventually we were an item. Now she plays a fiesty young woman on the telly but away from the limelight she likes nothing better than playing dominoes and collecting bottle caps. Well, when my filming was up I announced that was it for us, I was off. 'Noooaaa' she gurgles in her deep Burnley brogue, And that was it, she fixed me up with enough parts to keep me on the set, & in her bed. Them fucking bottle caps hurt like hell though.
Oh yes, I'm a face around here
You can see how pissed off the little dwarf woman is cos I got all the best lines. Plus I made Wilko Johnson wear a condom over his head for a bet.
Getting Narcoffed off with this
After 'Thrones' I was knackered & just wanted to put my feet up & watch a bit of Ice Road Truckers. No Chance! I was off to Columbia to film Narcos, something about a sherbert salesman with a big tache or something, never quite understood the plot. All I know is I had to say Medeyin' a lot in a gruff voice & sniff a lot of powder. It wasn't all bad cos that's when I met the then Sao Paulo Chairwoman, Edna Pissclams, a chance meeting that would later result in me being the fantastic manager of the Spoons, but that's another story. Mind you there's only so much Daz a man can snort & I'd had enough. I got my character killed in a lawnmower accident & headed home.
A 'Pointless' Life
When I got home a letter from the BBC was waiting for me on the mat. Shit! I thought, they've got me for the bloody tv licence again, but no, it was an invitation on to a special celeberity edition of my favourite quiz show, Pointless. I was teamed up with a chap named Beddows, didn't know much about him at the time except he managed Milan & enjoyed the writings of Barbara Cartland, Well, we blew away all the opposition, in the head to head round we got a question on Balotelli which we aced then one on world Spoons which again we stormed through, The final question was on Biscotti collections which is a little hobby of mine, Beddows wanted to answer the question on buttons but I had to overule him there. It paid off, we won £5000 and spent a lovely couple of days drinking the Hen & Chickens dry with our friends the White Stripes, Edward Scissorhands & Nana Mouskouri.
Haha, beltin'!
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