Top 100

Hertha - The Season So Far & German Round Up

In his first full season in The Top 100 Hertha Berlin manager Mark Stewart gives his low down on how things are progressing in the German Capital.

"We finished 4th last season and were disappointed not to go up, so expectations were high.The Chairman and myself agreed we should go all out for promotion this season setting a points target of 76". Clearly this target has gone tits up and with 13 games left to play it is mathematically unachievable.

"We have shown absolutely no consistency this season and started terrible, picking up just 4 points from the opening 6 games. From there we failed to set the world on fire and have only won two league games on the spin once all season"

"Right now we sit in the lower half of the table in 13th place and although only 4 points off the play offs I think there is more chance of Tony Blair winning the Noble Peace Prize than us making it"

"My Chairman is pissed off at results and rightly so - however I think we have a decent squad for this level and he has given me his backing that I will still be here next season...unless he can tap up "the moron in Milan - Stephen Beddows". If that happens it's thanks for nothing and fuck off Mark Stewart.

So where have things gone wrong? Possibly two words - John Terry. The much maligned WAG shagger has joined the Berlin side and behind closed doors rumours state he has slept with half the coaching staffs wives and even attempted to get Prince Michael William's broad Lana Del Rey into his soil stained bed. He hasnt held the defence together as expected and his position will be under review at the end of the season. Another possible reason has been the tinkering of formations with Stewart unable to stick to one or even two and trying to many different things, this has confused his pea brained players who are unable to comprehend Stewarts tactical genius. A solution is clearly to stick to 4-4-2 

long ball.

John Terry

Other new signings have so far failed to properly gel and sections of the fans still question whether getting rid of Pato and Ba was wise. Their thoughts are certainly backed up by our current league standing, but I have total faith in Ben Yedder and Muriel clicking next season.

"We still have 13 games left to play this season and Ben Yedder is the divisions joint top scorer so that can give us hope. The fact that 9 of these games are against teams around or below us also gives the fans hope."

Wissam Ben Yedder

So moving away from Berlin who does Stewart think will go up from Division 5 this season.

Dynamo Kyiv look to have nailed first place, they have been solid this season and Grant Cameron has done a fantastic job in guiding the Russians to the summit. They are currently on a club record breaking run of ten straight league wins and fifteen games unbeaten.

Alex Mcleans Olympiacos Pensioners currently sit in 2nd and I fully expect the "zimmerframe brigade" to retain that position. 

James Foster's Standard Liege look good in 3rd pace although I hope his new signing Araujo Raffael catches Siphilus or Aids of the foot. I'm not bitter about Foster beating me to the signing of Calleri and not selling him to me...honest!!!

Anyone of six teams could win the play off lottery but I dont think it will be one of the other Belgian sides, i think my pal rutts66 will go one better than last year and go up through the play offs with Celtic.

The Other German Sides

Perusing the other German sides in The Top 100 I'll start with Augsburg. I cant see anything but pain and tears for Gerrit Vogeleer and a second succesive wooden spoon looks likely.

wooden spoon

Gav Harmer at Bremen should steer the club out of the bottom two, his purchase of Ryad Boudebouz while drunk was a master stroke and should encourage more managers to reach for the bottle when looking for players. Just think, if Gav was a full blown alcoholic he would surely be fighting for the title. I think Gav's boys will finish around 15th

Gav Harmer thinking tactics

Cologne are another German side doing shit, fans of the German after shave will surely be reaching for the crack pipe if they fall into the basement of Division 5. They are in the tightest league though and manager Ryan Holmes will be hoping his ageing star striker Alexander Meier can fire on all cylinders - a few games unbeaten and they could really rise up the table. Perhaps the delightfully named Chris Gooze who can play anywhere from the midfield back could be the saviour for them. I can see why Ryan invested in the 32 year old 63 rated player he doubles up as a wonderful floor mop which saves the chairman money on cleaning equipment.

Cologne Football Club

Chris Gooze, great hair, great mop

Hamburg - David Marsdens side currently sit in 11th place and only 2 points off the play offs. They will be hoping Hertha old boy Demba Ba can inspire them to glory. They also brought in "that old bag of shit" Emiliano Viviano  from us. Viviano was a total twat at Berlin but he does seem to have improved under Marsden's leadership. With other noteable players like Gignac and Bolasie, Marsden must fancy his sides chances of at least making the play offs.

Emiliano Vivianno

Stuttgart, Feargal Hickeys's boys currently sit in 4th place and are doing great after winning a cup and promotion last year. |Marquee new signing Hulk hasnt set the world on fire yet with 3 goals in 12 games but if he comes good Division 4 defences will be in for a battering. A good all round side I wish Feargal all the best in his quest for promotion. Fans of the club will no doubt be extremely worried that The Irishman may well be poached by a bigger club at the end of the season.

Hoffenheim, I know little in fact nothing of their manager Miguel Salgado, his side sit near the foot of Division 3 and it will be imperative for Miguel to keep Kevin Vollnand fit and firing. I dont think the squad is good enough overall though and sadly I think Hoffenheim will fall to Division 4 next season.

Wolfsburg, Greg Owen has recently taken over after his over achievement at Lokomotiv Moskva and Im sure fans will be hoping he can work the same magic with "The Wolves". A strong squad overall they currently sit in 11th place just 4 points off the Division 2 play offs. The form and goals of Rakitic and Insigne will be key to their hopes and I expect Wolfsburg to bag a play off place.

Monchengladbach, sitting in 3rd place in Divison 2 manager Aleks Polonczyk who is a big fan of Polish beer will be hoping he has reason to open a crate or 2 come the end of the season.

A well balanced strong squad they will be looking at Podolski and Milik to keep firing the goals. Mandzukic's form has been outstanding this season and he will be key driving force in Borrusia's push for promotion and Aleks's dream of a crate of Polish beer come the end of September.

Aleks reward at the end of season

Leverkusen - Mr Noisy's Division 1 side are deep in shit with no paddle to haul themselves out. Despite the mercurial talent of David Silva and young hungry Hassan Calhonoglu they dont look to have enough in the tank to stay up and our Mister Men friend must surely be wondering where he will be managing next season as the sack looks inevitable.

Leverkusen's manager

Schalke currently in 16th place and Sameer Arshad will be pinning his hopes on Muniain, Cavani and Tevez spearheading the attack well for the final third of the season. A decent squad overall Im kind of on the fence with my prediction on staying up or going down.

Dortmund, Lee Reynolds has his side playing great football and punching above their weight as they occupy 4th place in Division 1. Modric and Reus are having outstanding seasons to date, some pivotal games are still to play against Barcelona, Byern and Juventus on the final day of the season. Good results in these games could secure that top 4 spot.

Bayern - Gusriman Brar's boys sit in 2nd fighting for the title. A real dream team with a terrifying attck of Suarez and Ronaldo, out of the Youth Cup but still in the SMFA Champions Cup and World Club Cup. Brar's men will carry on with typical German efficiency and determination. It would take a brave man to bet against the German giants ending the season empty handed.