DdK – I’m hidden deep, deep undercover here at Liege’s training complex after hearing rumours of Belgian Bunga Bunga parties…
KG – Can you tell us where you are hidden?
DdK – I’m hidden in a laundry basket, it’s a trick I learnt under the stewardship of the great Mexican journalist, Shorty Guzman.
KG – And how did you find out about the parties?
DdK – I definitely didn’t find out about the parties on a new no strings relationship app I didn’t download. This isn’t going out live is it Kirsty? My wife won’t find out?
KG – No, no, not at all, we’re going to collate it all later on and produce an expose… We’ll keep all this stuff out of it… honest…
DdK – Oh good, my wife would kill me… Anyway the parties have become legendary, and between me and you, I’ve been trying to get an invite for months.
KG – So did you sneak in or actually get an invite?
DdK – I got an invite, like I said I’m deep undercover, I’m dressed up as a naughty schoolgirl. I best get a Pulitzer for this. Or at least some attention from the players…
Probably didn't look like this...
KG – I used to look quite the catch when I dressed up as a schoolgirl you know Dick…
DdK – Behave Kirsty, we all know you’re only kept on TV due to your sporting knowledge, Kate Adbo and Charlotte Jackson knock spots off you….
KG – Right, thanks for that, you really know how to make a girl feel special… Well back to the matter at hand… What can you tell us? What’s going on?
DdK – Right, I’m out the basket, I’m going to mingle around the room and try to work out who’s here… Florian Gardos, Hedenstad, I’m pretty sure that Cacciatore over there doing unspeakable things with a focaccia bread and 3 models… Wow, ok, Willians Arao is living up to his Brazilian party boy name, he’s got 6 girls in the Jacuzzi. Wait a minute, he’s calling me over…. Be right back…
KG – Dick? Are you there?
KG – Dick? You’ve been silent for about 15 minutes?
DdK – Sorry Kirsty, wow… that was intense… I’m not sure what the move was called but I definitely didn’t enjoy it… must remember I’m undercover… It’s not wrong if you’re undercover…. God… so good…. Ahem…. So anyway…
KG – Erm… Are you sure you’re not enjoying this?!
DdK – Of course I’m not, it’s purely for the art of journalism… Right let’s get back to working the room. Bridcutt is in the corner with Scott Arfield, they seem to be snorting something off the back of a nurse? Purely medicinal I imagine…
KG – Wow, explosive stuff, you’re really penetrating the issue here Dick…
DdK – Thanks Kirsty, I live for my work… I’ve just seen Barton leave the room, I’m going to follow him and see what he’s up to.
DdK – I think I might be blind in my left eye… As I walked in he shouted ‘Pirate’, kicked me in my shin and something hit me in the eye? I think it’s yoghurt?
KG – I think we should move on Dick, who else is there? Any other big names? Any backroom staff?
DdK – It’s hard….
KG – Pardon?!
DdK – Sorry, it’s hard to tell Kirsty, I think Antolic may be here, but he’s wearing a Spiderman mask, and shouting ‘Thwip’ as he throw’s something out of his hand? I think it’s more yoghurt? Certainly tastes nice anyway.
KG – Wow. Your simple.
DdK – Shove it in, yeah shove it right in…. Smother me in it….
KG – Dick!!
DdK – Sorry just getting a hot dog, more ketchup please, lather it on…
KG – Right I think we’ll leave the interview there you seem to have you mouth full again…
KG – We’ll attempt to get a statement from the Liege manager shortly.
The Liege press office has been in touch with the below statement from James Foster;
‘Rest assured, this is not the kind of behaviour we expect from our players here at Standard and I’d like to assure the fans that these players are no longer wanted here.
As of today, we will be actively looking to sell the following players;
Florian Gardos
Joey Barton
Willians Arao
Liam Bridcutt
Scott Arfield
Domagoj Antolic
Fabrizio Cacciatore
The main issue, as I’m sure we can all agree with me here, is the failure to invite the rest of the players and back room staff. From what I’ve heard it was a great party. The videos I’ve seen were fantastic, I think a few of the lads also mentioned trying to get a couple of girls back, especially that naughty schoolgirl, she was doing unspeakable things… We may even make it a monthly team bonding event, although it may be hard for all of us…’
Great article James. Was pmsl throughout. They are great parties. Allegedly of course. I overheard someone talking about them. I have never been to one especially the one where there was a Rottweiler and some peanut butter involved. Great story.
ReplyDeleteCheers bud! I remember that one... Erm sorry, I remember being told about that one...
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