Beddows to manage Zenit without a Visa ?

Beddows was as shocked as anyone as he was appointed manager of Zenit St Petersburg yesterday and undertook his unveiling press conference from the comforts of St George’s Park in Burton on Trent, only a few miles away from his Burton home.

“It was a surprise I can tell you… I believe that the Genoa manager, Mr Hirst recommended me to the Zenit hierarchy and they gave me a call and told me I had the job! What job I asked? Well it is a surprise I can tell you.”

He was then asked: What do you know about St Petersburg?

“Absolutely nothing I have never been and I aim to avoid visiting at all costs.”

The amassed media including many clearly drunk Russians who had quickly translated Beddows’ answer into their google translators looked stunned… How can you manage a club if you don’t plan on visiting they asked?

But Beddows already had his answer planned.

“Unfortunately due to political issues and my attacks in EC2 on certain comrades I would never be issued a Russian Visa, the Zenit board accepted this and also my proposal.”

Beddows then explained that Zenit would be moved from Russia and be based in Burton on Trent, living and training at St George’s Park. He explained that the Hilton hotel had excellent facilities to house the team and their families and that the nearby schools in Rangemore and Burton would provide excellent educations for the players children.

One journalist, clearly Scottish, questioned the madness of this idea but Beddows had his answer made.

“I do not envisage any issues, I will travel with the team to all away games and East Midlands airport have kindly informed me that it is now as a result of this news asked Ryanair to introduce daily flights to St. Petersburg.”

But one clever thinking Scouse journalist sensed a fault in Beddows’ thoughts asking who would manage the team on home games.

“Not a problem. Both Yakov and Andrey want to come to this gameworld and are on the boss’ waiting list and as such I have appointed them as my assistants who will manage the home games of Zenit St Petersburg, I will be on Skype at all times to relay my instructions and give the half-time team talk alongside my 24 pack of Fosters.”

The Muscovites - Two men, same approach: to manage 'Home' games

With the pieces of the puzzle starting to make sense and fit into place even the more dumbfounded amongst them, the Americans, seem to grasp this complicated situation.

Beddows then concluded that he is quite happy with his squad but some changes might happen with the team finally arriving in Burton tomorrow morning for a couple of hours pre-season training with the new man at the helm before flying out to Brazil to face Santos. When asked if they’d arrive for game v Santos on time Beddows answered.

“Ryanair are always on time.”